“You can search the whole world over and never find anyone as deserving of your love as yourself.” – Buddha
Forgiveness. To be honest, it was never relevant to my life, so I had never really given it much thought. No one seemed worthy of so much effort because in my twisted perception of reality, when someone fucked you over, you cut them out of your life because they could do it again. But as I grew colder and more bitter, and made these types of severances on a far-too-frequent basis, I seemed to overlook one very important factor: that we are all human, and thus, bound to err. And that my handful of true friends was growing ever smaller.
If I were on the receiving end of a similar metaphorical beating every single time I screwed someone over, I would be living in a lonely and bitter world. Instead, though, I’ve managed to create a cold one that is, most of the time, deprived of much genuine feeling and crammed with superficial camaraderie.
Still deciding which is worse.
But in our case, which was worse? That you lied, and played a dumb fool, or that I stood idly by, clad in mocked ignorance, and did nothing about it? Both. And neither.
I feel I am to blame for supervising the destruction of something with so much potential, and have not yet forgiven myself. After all, it is not every day that you come across a complete stranger with whom you share an intense connection, right off the bat. But this isn’t about you. It is so much more about me, than anyone can possibly comprehend. I know that if I don’t forgive myself, I will never grow. I have lost so many people that I have loved, cared for, and invested in because I couldn’t give them another chance. I realize now that even I can betray myself. Even I can fuck up.
And even I could give myself another chance.
I learned that it’s ok to be me. To hide how I am feeling is to rob myself of the most beautiful and thrilling part of any successful relationship; one that builds lasting trust, love, and friendship. To deprive oneself of that function is to deprive oneself of a complete and meaningful experience.
I regret being unable to accept that someone could genuinely care for me. I regret not allowing myself to, essentially, be me. I regret that we couldn’t make it past our first test.
But I am also grateful that we weren’t in too deep. And for the lesson that is Forgiveness. So as I strive to fully forgive myself, I hope for the positive effects to cancel out the negativity that comes with said regrets.
What I’m sure of is that the lesson learned is way better than the situation is bad. I could have really loved you, but you have taught me that first and foremost, I have to allow myself to be loved.
This too, is a part of the process. I’m out.
PS you can peep my NEW COVER here if you haven’t heard it yet :)