Tag Archives: Beautiful

On Regret & Forgiveness

“You can search the whole world over and never find anyone as deserving of your love as yourself.” – Buddha

Teach Yo’self How 2 Spell  (Photos in this post are not by moi)

Forgiveness.  To be honest, it was never relevant to my life, so I had never really given it much thought. No one seemed worthy of so much effort because in my twisted perception of reality, when someone fucked you over, you cut them out of your life because they could do it again. But as I grew colder and more bitter, and made these types of severances on a far-too-frequent basis, I seemed to overlook one very important factor: that we are all human, and thus, bound to err.  And that my handful of true friends was growing ever smaller.

If I were on the receiving end of a similar metaphorical beating every single time I screwed someone over, I would be living in a lonely and bitter world.  Instead, though, I’ve managed to create a cold one that is, most of the time, deprived of much genuine feeling and crammed with superficial camaraderie.

Still deciding which is worse.

But in our case, which was worse?  That you lied, and played a dumb fool, or that I stood idly by, clad in mocked ignorance, and did nothing about it?  Both.  And neither.

I feel I am to blame for supervising the destruction of something with so much potential, and have not yet forgiven myself.  After all, it is not every day that you come across a complete stranger with whom you share an intense connection, right off the bat.  But this isn’t about you.  It is so much more about me, than anyone can possibly comprehend.  I know that if I don’t forgive myself, I will never grow. I have lost so many people that I have loved, cared for, and invested in because I couldn’t give them another chance.  I realize now that even I can betray myself.  Even I can fuck up.

And even I could give myself another chance.

I learned that it’s ok to be me.  To hide how I am feeling is to rob myself of the most beautiful and thrilling part of any successful relationship; one that builds lasting trust, love, and friendship.  To deprive oneself of that function is to deprive oneself of a complete and meaningful experience.

I regret being unable to accept that someone could genuinely care for me.  I regret not allowing myself to, essentially, be me.  I regret that we couldn’t make it past our first test.

Yeah gurll, getit.

But I am also grateful that we weren’t in too deep.  And for the lesson that is Forgiveness.  So as I strive to fully forgive myself, I hope for the positive effects to cancel out the negativity that comes with said regrets.

What I’m sure of is that the lesson learned is way better than the situation is bad.  I could have really loved you, but you have taught me that first and foremost, I have to allow myself to be loved.

This too, is a part of the process.  I’m out.

-MLC

PS you can peep my NEW COVER here if you haven’t heard it yet 🙂

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On Nostalgia and Being Young

Via http://milkstudios.tumblr.com/post/18078262672/backstage-kicks-photo-by-tyler-nevitt

Photo by Tyler Nevitt

Kicking it in kicked up kicks

With cars parked far but close to scars

That sting from younger careless days

When sun burned right through its own rays

Shades that glared in summers’ mists

As your hands took my writhing wrists

That winced and cracked from painful play

Whose hands, now empty, hurt to this day

But they hurt then and they hurt now and I wish that I knew how to

Let myself yell at those walls that seemed to stand so strong and tall

When everything around would fall and now I am a

Tether ball

Tossing throwing slamming books

That seemed to stab like crooked hooks

Digging in heels we could not feel

Because young at any price was a steal

Words that mean that words are mean

When meanings often aren’t seen

Though you may look and try to find

What seemed to always hide behind

A selfish word a careless world

You can blame neither him nor her

The dog that ate your birthday cake

As your heart hurt and its limbs ached

From sugars tinge too sweet to take

For animals who know not of what is at stake.

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